staying faithful : in unknown august

Getting into the right mindset for August. It's shaping up to be one for the books.

I get lost pretty easily. I have the directional sense of...I can't even come up with a comparison for my lack of directional sense. Suffice it to say: I have none.

But that's only half true. What's actually true is that more often than not I have a sense of direction, but I doubt it. This happens all the time (ALL THE TIME): I think I should turn right at this road up ahead but I'm probably wrong so I'll just turn left instead. And then I'll have to turn back around because I should have turned right to begin with. It's not that I don't know where I'm going so much as I don't believe I know the right way to go.

It's a lack of confident belief, not a lack of tangible knowledge. 

I am Peter, through and through:

²² Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. ²³ After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

²⁴ Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. ²⁵ About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

²⁷ But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

²⁸ Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

²⁹ “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

³¹ Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

When I look into August I see the strong wind and the waves. I see a rapidly decreasing number of days when where I work and where I live will be known. And as they continue to decrease and I delve further into uncertainty, I know that I will be terrified and in danger of sinking.

But I wholeheartedly believe that the Lord has called me to step out in faith onto the water even though doing so is crazy and impossible by normal standards. So I'm fighting, minute-by-minute fighting, the all-consuming urge to make contingency plans: to start bringing some of my things to my parents' house because I don't know where I'll be living in a month from now, to start looking for part time jobs because I don't know where I'll be working in a month from now, to eat a lot of ice cream because I just don't know what's going on in life right now. And, you know, the bats.

I know that if I doubt and start to sink that Jesus will immediately reach out and grab me, as He did for Peter. I know this is true because I've experienced it many, many times, being a professional doubter and all. But I'd rather look back on August and know that I believed and did not doubt. At the end of this month I'm going to want to say that I stood in the center of the storm with quiet confidence, knowing that I might be walking on uncertain waters, but they are waters that the Lord controls, and I'm walking towards Him, into His good, wise, and confident embrace.

(Scripture above is from Matthew 14.)