Three Things, Just Because

1. Something that sounds like this is living outside of my bedroom window. 

And I really think I need to contact Animal Planet to see what their version of Oprah is and invite all animals everywhere to take part in the episode, because we need some sort of intervention here. Let's not even talk about the fact that I get chased by dogs while running on a regular basis. We'll limit this to undomesticated animals. The squirrels. The bats. And now the red fox/fisher cat.

The first time I heard the noise I sprang out of bed ready to call 911 because I was convinced someone was being ripped limb from limb in the woods behind our house. (That's always the thought you want rolling around in your head before you say goodnight.) It was so loud that my mom woke up and came to my room to see what was the matter. Once we realized that it wasn't a human, we played Guess That Woodland Creature and named about 50 potential suitors. Cat? Weasel? Possum? Raccoon? Turtle? Deer?

We were open to all options, clearly.

After another few rounds later in the week, my dad asked our outdoorsy neighbor if he knew what could possibly be making the noise that makes the undead shudder. He thinks it's probably a fisher, a small-dog-sized mammal that is best known for it's vicious nature. 

Of course. 

So we'll see how this one plays out. I doubt I'll be trapping it under a basket this time. 

2. I went ziplining with my parents over the weekend. My parents, who are 79 and 66. My parents, who had no qaulms about plummeting 3,000 feet through the forest at speeds between 30-50 miles per hour. 

I, on the other hand, had qualms for days. I'm adventurous in ways that do not necessitate leaving the ground. Feet not on the floor? Yeah, count me out. I like to be connected to the earth. Blame it on my 25% Native American heritage. 

But what I found most amusing about this experience (other than looking over at my mom, ziplining next to me, careening through the trees while laying perpendicularly because she thought it would help me go faster) was the waiver. First of all, if you're going to commit to something like this, just don't read the waiver. Because if you are already concerned that you might lose a limb on a nearby tree, the waiver will confirm your suspicions. The waiver will tell you repeatedly that there is always a chance that a tree may spontaneously fall and cut off your ankles, and if it does, they are not liable. 

The best part about the waiver: citing that ziplining can induce emotional trauma, such as hurt feelings.

...

Call me crazy, but I was more concerned about the physical trauma, such as death.

When all was said and done I still had my ankles and my feelings were very well in tact, since my mom and I raced under the stipulation that the loser makes the coffee for a week. 

It's going to be a good week, let me tell you.

Not to be left out of the fun, at dinner that night, I also bet my dad one week of copy editing that the menu denoted that the crab cakes came with "Key Lime Sauce" not "Kelly Lime Sauce," as he adamantly defended. I think we all know how that one turned out. Thank you, key limes everywhere.

3. If you're looking for me, I'll be swimming in cup after cup of Trader Joe's Jasmine Green Tea. Oh my word...this stuff is amazing. 

What have you guys been up to? I miss you! Fill me in!

how not to handle life when you don't understand life

And we're back! Yesterday we talked about 5 things to do when you don't understand life. That was good. But I have more experience in the what not to do category as of this moment in time, so today, we'll focus on that. 

How Not to Handle Life When You Don't Understand Life

THINGS NOT TO DO

1. Become a sovereignty victim.

We all know what it looks like to play the victim in life. It often looks like bearing an ever-decreasing role of responsibility for the events that have taken place and staying stuck in them because it's either too difficult to move on or too easy to stay in a position of pity. 

But it's easy to play that card and name it "sovereignty," too. It often looks like accepting the status-quo as God's plan for our lives, painting challenges that are meant to increase our character as allowed attacks that we just have to endure, and not doing anything to change our circumstances because we are "waiting on God's timing." There is a place for all of these things - God does have a plan for our lives, we are attacked by evil, and we do often have to wait on God's timing. 

But none of that should ever be a crutch. 

Once we start to use them as excuses for complacency, we take on a victim mentality towards sovereignty. Instead of believeing that God is in complete control and works all things together for good, we believe that we have to solider on and wait for God to hand our dreams to us. But that's not how it works. That's why I love these thoughts from Bob Goff in Love Does:

 

I think that if you want something badly enough, you'll kick down whatever doors you have to in order to get there. If it's not the dream God has for you, He'll either change your heart or change your circumstances as long as you are following Him. But it's much easier to choose to become of victim of sovereignty and lament that your dream isn't in God's plans right now. 

Don't give in to that! Fight for your dreams until directed otherwise! I'm learning this one right now (as in the minute that just passed, right now) and it's a tough pill to swallow, but it's good medicine. 

2. Dwell on what you don't have

A surefire way to bum yourself out is to dwell on what you don't have. One night last week I went to bed mumbling prayers through tears about address labels. Address labels. It's not that I have very specific address label needs, it's that I haven't stayed anywhere long enough to need them (my choice) and right now, I'm borrowing my parents' address (also my choice). Despite the fact that I've made anti-labeling decisions about where I live, it would be nice to have at least a semi-permanent place to put down roots. And when I dwell on not having that, I think about how I'm way behind the curve and how I have to rummage through boxes every time I want something that isn't unpacked and how lame I am for moving back home. In doing that I completely negate what I do have: more time to spend with my parents, a roof over my head and a place to call home, the ability to hustle for my dreams while on a limited income. What I do have is so much greater than what I don't have. But I don't see that when I dwell on what I don't have. 

3. Undo good progress with bad decisions

I'm awesome at this. If my life had a dance step, it would be take two steps forward and three steps back. Case in point: two weeks ago I ran a 10k within my goal time; last week I ate frozen yogurt for lunch three times. Suffice it to say that was not my goal time for number of dessert lunches consumed in one week.

Did that negate the 10k victory? Heck no. But did that help me get any closer to running a faster 10k next time - or to running at all without feeling like death last week? Um, heck no. Losing sight of the end goal and/or assuming that it's too far away to matter are easy entry points for bad decisions to invade and set you back. In this case, I lost sight of the fact that a) I don't want to grow out of my jeans and b) I don't want to solve my problems with sugar and c) I want to fuel my body for success, not failure. I let my circumstances (bad week) define my behavior (dessert marathon) and eclipse my end goal (being healthy). Left unchecked, it's a monster that will mitigate lots of good progress, and it's completely unnecessary. 

4. Forget that seasons change

When I was nannying last year I had a mantra: "It won't be like this for long." So when meltdowns happened I kept my cool by remembering that it was an isolated occurrence from a kid who was probably just hungry or tired or testing the limits on free will. And when hugs and high fives happened I held onto them that much tighter by remembering that those moments are fleeting, too. In trying moments and tear-jerker moments, I found it so helpful to remember that it wouldn't be that way for long. 

I tend to forget that with other seasons in life. Right now, it feels like I will always be hustling for work and living with my parents. But, by definition, seasons change. I can clearly see how other seasons have come and gone, and this one is will eventually come to pass as well. It won't be like this for long - in good ways and bad. 

5. Let your feelings determine your fate

Feelings are temporary. I can't repeat that to myself often enough, and yet I'm still frequently derailed by feelings. As per above, I felt sad, so I ate enough servings of frozen yogurt to feed my whole family. This happens all the time in other iterations - I feel tired, so I sleep in instead of getting up and doing devotions; I feel unmotivated, so I skip my workout; I feel afraid, so I procrastinate and work on something less intimidating. 

It goes without saying that some feelings shouldn't be disregarded - you should feel bad about walking into a dark alley in the middle of the night and should use that feeling to choose a different route. Good decision. But there's a difference between feelings that work to keep you safe, and feelings that are at work to keep you living safely - never taking risks or making the most of your life. Those feelings - that resistance - should always be disregarded. 

How do you do it? As Steven Pressfield says, you need to go pro:

I love the thought of going pro with my life. 

Ok guys, you're up. What mistakes have you made in uncertain seasons? Have you experienced any of these?

How to Handle Life When You Don't Understand Life

So yesterday we talked about sovereignty, which is a weighty topic for even the most knowledgeable of scholars. We're not so much looking to define it and work through the ins and outs of it today as we are looking to answer this question:

How do I react when I don't understand what God is doing?

Story of my life.

Since I've had plenty of experience with this over the course of the past few years and have reacted in both holy and unholy ways, I thought I'd share a few favorites from each category. We'll start with the "do's" today and move onto the "do not's" tomorrow because I need more time to finish this post I feel it's best to space things out into two posts.

How to Handle Life When You Don't Understand Life

THINGS TO DO

1. Take an honest look at your heart.

See how you react when trouble comes. I know that my pattern is like a real heart moniter: a period of flat, a spike up, a spike down, and another period of flat. I'll be ok with things and just keep moving forward, then I'll be incredibly excited, then incredibly disappointed, then back to even keel. Part of that pattern is thanks to the gift of female hormones, and navigating them is not unlike trying to surf in a tsnami. (Am I right, ladies?!) But body chemistry notwithstanding, looking at how my heart responds in those downward spikes can be disconcerting. It's a jungle in there, filled with bitterness (You've done this to me before), jealousy (why aren't You giving me what You are giving to other people?), and anger (...). It shouldn't be like that. My reaction when I feel dejected shouldn't be any different from my reaction when I feel encouraged. It's a true indication of where my heart needs the most work. 

2. Evaluate your areas of responsibility. 

I believe that God's sovereignty is bigger than my stupidity; He is more than able to redeem any situation regardless of the circumstances. But that doesn't give me license to forgo responsibility for my actions. As it pertains to my current circumstances, I've tried to evaluate whether it's really God who is orchestrating this season or whether I am at fault in one way or another. I am a chronic commitment-phobe, a frquent self-sabotager, and am painstakingly indecisive when it comes to big decisions. So is this season God-inflicted, or self-inflicted? Probably: both. 

3. LAUGH

I cried buckets all over the Capital District last week. In the aforementioned parking lot. In the bathroom at work. In bed at night. On a friend's couch. In the car with my dad. But I think my heart just needed to let it all hang out because I have no idea what is going on in life, and I've had no idea for nearly a year. It's toll came out of my tear ducts.

Crying isn't a bad solution, but it isn't as good as laughing. I felt noticeably better after I had laughed, and that definitely wasn't the case when I finished sobbing. Need a good laugh to get you started? This Bad Lip Reading video, this Joe Cocker video, Ross, Phoebe, really, anything involving Friends (or Stars Hollow!) should do the trick. 

Always Sometimes I get tunnel-vision focused on figuring out life. When I've been doing that for too long and then laugh and realize I can't even remember the last time I laughed - that's a problem. Life is too short and too much fun not to have fun living it. 

4. Practice relentless gratitude

When I put my frustrations in perspective, they pale in comparison to what real touble looks like. I'm not fighting for my life on a daily basis. I'm not without a roof, a sweatshirt, or a pantry. I am not separated from people I love. And I have a hope that will not disappoint. There is no reason for me to be anything but relentlessly grateful for every second of my life. When I focus on what I am grateful for, not on what I wish would change, I'm instantly uplifted.  

5. Bombard your life with truth

This one is huge. When I stay inside my own head, it's a downhill spiral, and it's fast. I start to doubt everything. Literally: everything. That's why truth is so important: it anchors you to true north when you feel like you're flailing in open waters. How do you do it? Listen to a great podcast, turn on a worship station, share your doubts out loud to friends so that they can speak truth back to you (picking wisely here is key), repeat a verse over and over again - do anything you need to create a hedge of truth around your life, and do everything you can to protect it.

That's a wrap for today. What "do's" do you guys find helpful when you're in the middle of a Charlie Brown season and sovereignty is hard to swallow?

Lesson 2: Sovereignty

(If you missed Lesson 1 of the 27 Lessons, you can find it here!)

Last week was a WEEK. In coaching terms, I went from channeling Tony Dungy (minus the creepy guy starring at him in the background...what is that?!) to channeling Jim Harbaugh (plus tears...or at least more than Jim sheds before breakfast). 

Last week was a take-no-prisoners struggle with sovereignty, and it's been a resounding theme in this season of life. 

It usually happens like this: I feel wholly convicted that the Lord is setting up a specific set of circumstances that will end favorably, so I run full steam ahead towards what appears to be an open door only to find that I am, in fact, about to run face-first into a very firmly closed door. 

This week, when a particularly inviting door slammed shut, my heart put a Do Not Disturb sign up on it's own door and went for a vacation. 

To 16 Handles. 

When the going gets tough, the tough get frozen yogurt and cry in the parking lot. 

Or at least that's what I did. 

This cycle has been frustrating for me because it's in complete opposition to what I believe about God. God is not cruel. He does not cause pain without purpose. But having glimmers of hope at times when they are most needed turn into showers of disappointment feels immensely unkind. I don't understand it.

When God doesn't do what I thought He would, I lose faith in Him. 

When written like that it seems painfully obvious: I'm not losing faith in God; I'm losing faith in my ability to know how life is going to happen. Because when things don't turn out like I thought they would, I wonder where I went wrong. 

And that has made me realize that I really don't understand sovereignty. If my faith is shaken when the plans change, then where was my faith in the first place?

In the plans.

And if I start to doubt when God acts differently that I thought He would, then what did I believe about Him in the first place?

That He should act according to how I think He should.

And there concludes this episode of Sobering Thoughts For The Day! Have a great holiday, everyone!

But really: it's sobering. And every time I go punch for punch with God in the ring of sovereignty, trying desperately to get a hold of the plan or at least a shred of understanding, I arive at the same place:

It's not for me to understand. 

And that shouldn't come as a big surprise. Isaiah 55 clearly tells us that God's thoughts are not our thoughts; His way are not our ways. And to be honest, His thoughts and His ways have been confusing the heck out of me lately. I don't understand why, when I think I'm following what the Lord has placed on my heart, it doesn't always work out. But I'm learning that to believe in God's sovereignty is to believe that it's not for me to understand. 

Because God loves us and knows we will freak out when we don't understand Him or what He's doing, those verses in Isaiah 55 are followed by a promise:

As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Let's go over that one more time because I need all the reminders I can get:

It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 

It's not up to me to make it work. God will make it work. It's only up to me to respond as Mary did in Luke 1: "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to be according to your word."

Some days, that works really well. I become filled with so much peace knowing that all I have to do is act in obedience. However, I know myself. And I know that other days, my reaction is more akin to, "I am the Lord's servant. And I would be glad to obey if He'd just give me a hint as to what the heck is going on around here???"

Which is why tomorrow, for all of you who also have unholy moments, we'll be talking about what to do (and what not to do) when you feel like submitting to sovereignty is too tall an order. 

See you then!

Runaway May

When I signed up for this 10k about a month ago, my only goal was to finish in less than an hour. It wasn't a lofty goal. But it was a goal I knew I would have to work for since before then my training plan had been Run A Few Miles Whenever You Feel So Moved. As you might assume, I did not often Feel So Moved. 

But there's something about having a finish line - literally or figuratively - to work for that makes the work more pressing, so I laced up my sneakers regularly over the past few weeks. It was a sobering, clunky journey. Were there a movie made of the past month of training, it would look nothing like Rocky. It would look more like Liz Lemon Stumbles Down That Road Over There. 

The sobering, clunky moments did not end in the training era of this goal. They came to visit again in Mile 6 yesterday. Up to that point, I felt great. I was keeping a steady pace and was thankful for the light mist of rain - not only does it help to keep cool, it just makes you feel cool, like you're that much more hardcore for running in the rain. 

(I'll take my cool points wherever I can get them.)

However, as I began to run straight uphill during a large portion of Mile 6, I began to wonder what sadistic race planning committee had cooked this up if I was going to be able to marshal enough steam to finish in my goal time. 

And then a man running with a double stroller passed me. Seriously. 

(And then my cool points ran away, laughing.)

I would have thought it a low point, but when then I remembered that a man with a full-size American flag, complete with pole, stuffed down his pants had passed me during the half-marathon, it seemed minute in comparison. 

So I plowed on - emphasis on plowing - and remembered that it really is true: what goes up most come down. And down I came for another half mile or so, and ran across the finish line with just a few seconds to spare. 

My official time: 59:37. 

And you know what it didn't say?

59:37 And She Kind Of Looked Like A Gorilla On Roller Skates Throughout The Duration Of Training.

59:37 And She Started Training Way Too Late To Make A Reasonable Go At A Decent Time.

59:37 And She Got Passed By A DOUBLE STROLLER Going Up A Hill. 

It just said 59:37. 

And that was all I wanted! That was my goal!

It was a healthy reminder that the getting-there process of goal achieving doesn't have to be pretty. You just have to get there, one clumsy step after another. 

This weekend, I'm running again, but it's for an even better cause than Oh My Word Get Back In Shape Already goal achieving. It's for Love Runs, a remote 5k created by Ally Vesterfelt, who is donating her 30th birthday in the hopes of raising $30,000 to build a classroom for kids in Uganda through Restore International. Want to help Ally achieve her goal and run it, too?! Of course you do!

Here's more information:

If you'd like to sign up, you can do so here. 

Thanks for doing this, Ally! I'm so excited to participate!